Talk about reaching outside my comfort zone — I put my scale in the closet.
I’ve been working on intuitive eating, and though I’ve been making progress, I’ll step on the scale every once in a while and see that I’ve lost or gained .5 lbs. There’s really no purpose in weighing myself right now. I’m not actively trying to lose.
But I want my weight to go down. I think that the weight I’ve been at the last year isn’t my “true” weight. I’ve been stuck dieting the last year / year and a half, and to echo what I mentioned last week, I’ve been listening to everybody else’s tricks and tips on how to eat or work out, when what had worked for me in the past was working. Instead of losing weight, I kept gaining. And it was because I was stuck dieting and getting frustrated, so I’d give up and just eat whatever I had originally wanted in the first place — plus more. I got sick of going to the gym, even though I have always been a gym rat. I was sick of busting my ass to keep gaining weight. I’d never seen that before and I didn’t understand it.
I’ve gained 23 pounds since Mark and I started dating 3.5 years ago. TWENTYTHREE. Almost all of that was gained last year. Before last year, I would stick between that 23-15 pound less mark consistently year-round without too much effort. I’d run and move my body in ways that I enjoyed, and I paid attention to my hunger cues and what I ate (i.e. if I had a piece of cake already that day, I would eat more nutrient-dense foods later). But the main thing was that I wasn’t obsessed with food — when I’d eat next, what I’d eat, and what treat I was going to have later that day to treat myself because I was always dieting. UGH. No good.
So, I’ve decided the only way for weight loss to not be in my mind is to get rid of the scale — for now. Once I’ve mastered intuitive eating I’d like to bring the scale back so I can weigh once every 1-2 weeks during key times of the year (holidays for sure, and when I’m training for a race or something else). But, I might change my mind and ditch the scale altogether.
This was a tough decision for me. I don’t know when I got a scale. I’ve had one as long as I can remember. I also know that at the height of my disordered eating / eating disorder (mild compared to most eating disorders, and depending on which professional you talk to, I’m one or the other), I did not have a scale. It was all about control.
So, I’m taking that control back. OK — not going to dive into an eating disorder. I mean I’m taking control of myself again and not judging myself on my weight.
I want to be this person again (but older, and wiser):
When was the last time you took a big, scary step?