Sometimes I overshare. This is a case of oversharing. In case you needed a warning.
I went through my e-mail in an effort to clean it up last weekend. And I found this photo of me from about 5 years ago. And 15 pounds ago.
This.
This was when people told me I was too skinny. When I was supposedly unhealthy.
For years I kept this image in my mind as what “unhealthy” looks like for me.
But you know what? That was wrong. Those people who thought that I was unhealthy at that weight were wrong.
Yes, I have been unhealthy at that weight before. For instance, when I was depressed in 2009 and quit eating and hit that weight, I was malnourished and felt like crap. I had to wear two layers of clothes to feel warm.
But when this photo was taken, I was eating intuitively. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I was really into running, but not at my peak mileage. I ran between 3-5 miles daily, and sometimes 7 on the weekend. I clearly had some muscle tone, and body fat. I felt good. I was not purging. I was not restricting. I had just gotten into a new relationship with College Boyfriend and things were going so well — that was my focus at the time.
I ate dessert. Lots of it. I ate pizza and beer pretty religiously with College Boyfriend on Friday nights. I didn’t overeat. I ate until I was satisfied.
That? That is what I want to get back to. Not just a weight or a shape. A feeling. A feeling of being in control. A feeling of enjoyment from the exercise I do. A true enjoyment of the food that I eat.
It’s a process, but since I quit tracking every. single. calorie (in or out), and started embracing intuitive eating, I’m beginning to inch closer to this person I used to, and loved to be.
I’m running (a little bit) almost every day now. Somebody once told me I shouldn’t do that, or at least I read it on a blog somewhere. Well, I like running. And if my body feels good doing it, then I’m going to do it. I’m doing all the proper strength training / stretching after my runs, unlike when I used to just flat out run every day (which lead to injury).
Something else to note: that photo was taken before I started buying into everybody’s advice that I read online about healthy eating and healthy living. As much as I love the blog-iverse, I don’t need everybody else’s advice on how to be healthy. I don’t need to be a fitness model. And I don’t think my body type really could mold into that muscular shape that I keep seeing. Those abs in that photo? That’s my ideal shape. That was me at my fittest. That was me before I knew the dangers of soy, gluten, sugar, fat, carbs, corn, non-organic food, the absolute necessity of protein supplementation — and god-knows-what else (see this blog post for an amazing write-up about this topic).
I quit listening. Or rather, I’m listening with a finely tuned ear. I know what doesn’t work for me now. I know what makes me happy. If I find a good idea that I can implement with enjoyment, I’m down.
My version of eating clean? I’m eating soy, gluten, sugar, fat, carbs — nothing is off limits. I do believe in limiting empty calories (things like donuts, cake, pizza, etc. — generally processed and devoid of nutrition), so I’m doing that. But I don’t feel deprived since whole foods are more satisfying to me anyway. I’m eating something like 95% “clean” and 5% empty calories on average.
Anyway, I hope that image of my awesome abs doesn’t trigger anybody. I hate that. Sometimes images trigger me, and I almost didn’t post that, but I decided to do it because I had a point to this discussion.
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Well, that was somewhat depressing. Happy Friday? 
21 Responses to Flashback Friday: My abs. 2007.
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Hi there. I'm Calee (pronounced CAL-e). If that's too hard, just call me Cal. Also known as chimes or the chimes. I'm 28ish, a designer, a runner, a self-proclaimed fitness queen, a craftster, a foodie, a music snob — some might call me a hipster. Here's the unabridged version.
Girl, I freaking love you and your honesty. The blogiverse is a great place (without it I wouldn’t know you and that’s just SAD), but it can also make things a little blurry and foggy. We have to remember that at the end of the day we need to do what’s right for OURSELVES and OUR OWN bodies. Just because something works for someone, doesn’t mean it’s the best option for us.
Katie @ Talk Less, Say More recently posted..Fitness Friday // A Rough Week & Positive Outlook
oh man, i forgot this was scheduled for today. i wrote it a while ago and was going to edit it before it posted. shoot. :/
Calee (@chimes) — life + running recently posted..Flashback Friday: My abs. 2007.
Esp. because I sprained my ankle (again) since I wrote this and am biking.
Calee (@chimes) — life + running recently posted..Flashback Friday: My abs. 2007.
Also, i realized that I really really needed to read this post today. Got an e-mail about our annual canoeing trip last night and I’m a little freaked out about losing the weight I need to lose AND eating intuitively (they don’t go together … you can’t really control the weight loss w/ intuitive eating). But now that I see that I succeeded before, it’s helpful and I’m freaking out a little less.
Calee (@chimes) — life + running recently posted..Flashback Friday: My abs. 2007.
I didn’t think this post was depressing. I think it was a bit uplifting . . . that you are recognizing what works for YOU. I love the attitude of taking a break from reading what everybody else’s advice is for eating: what to eat, what to avoid, how much, when and how of often. Geez. I’m with you on the lets-just-listen-to-our-own-bodies-and-go-from-there. Perfect. Happy Friday, Calee!!
And I just read that this posted by mistake . . . everything happens for a reason!!!
Michelle @ Eat Move Balance recently posted..Friday’s Five: I did it!!
agreed. i really needed this today!
This is awesome, Calee! I agree with your way of thinking. And it is REFRESHING!!! If eating intuitively and a little bit of everything you want works for you- then keep doing it! I think that when we decide certain foods (that we WANT to eat) are “off-limits,” it can have a really negative effect in the end. I know that for me, it makes me end up eating much more of other things, when all I really wanted was a little bit of that “off-limits” food.
When I was at my lowest weight, I was WELL within a healthy weight range (like still 15 lbs higher than the “bottom” of the range) and a few “friends” would criticize that I was getting “too skinny.” And I still thought I could lose a few lbs! Looking back now, I looked healthy and as close to “perfect” as I could want. Don’t let the haters keep you down- do your own thing!
Lauren @ Oatmeal after Spinning recently posted..My Strange Addiction
This. THIS! I SO needed this today. I have been focusing too much on “but i read this somewhere” or “but they think i am obsessed.” Just because I LOVE to work out doesn’t mean I’m obsessed. Just because I eat healthy doesn’t mean I’m obsessed! Yes, I do realize that it can be a fine line for me… but I am at a healthy weight, but still a few more lbs to lose before I am really comfortable… and that’s okay. I am allowed to think that if I want, as long as I am healthy.
Thank you for this.
PS- your abs are pretty rockin’ in that picture. I’m trying not to compare, but I am a little jealous I won’t lie. You go girl!
Courtney recently posted..Thankful Thursday
Thanks! I try not to post pictures because it sometimes elicits bad feelings from people, but I really needed to post those.
Great post! I think it doesn’t matter what your abs look like… it matters how you got them. (Meaning that as long as you’re being healthy, it shouldn’t matter!) You know? For me, intuitive eating has always been hard! But I’m really trying to get there.
Liz @ I Heart Vegetables recently posted..Food Review Friday
I like that sentiment. Also, IE is super hard. I’m re-reading right now because I realized I’ve been psuedo dieting off and on. The hardest part for me is finding a balance between working out when training for something and not making it a “have to”. Also, I have a hard time figuring out if I’m really hungry in the evening after dinner, or if I’m used to the habit of mindlessly snacking before bed.
Your abs look great, and it does not look unhealthy to me at all. I love that you eat with your heart and run with your heart without over thinking – best way to be!
best post of the week! seriously, i’ve saved it!
lindsay recently posted..Strange But Good: Food & Fitness Edition
thanks, Lindsay!
Calee recently posted..Flashback Friday: My abs. 2007.
Isn’t it funny what the internet will do? Seriously! I talked to one RD and she said half of her job is un-teaching some of the extremist crap that’s out there.
I’ve loved my nutrition teachers so far in that they teach BALANCE. Nothing is terrible, nothing will kill you (aside from proper precautions when handling food…eck I was terrified of restaurants for a week after that lecture lol).
I hope hope hope you get back to that feeling! I am usually pretty close to that feeling of eating what sounds good and trying to get my food groups in to fuel and nourish my body, but I know that feeling (if only for a moment) of “crap I can’t fit into these jeans…must change everything in my life!!” And then I’m like wait, I like food, don’t have enough money to buy organic everything, nor the time to hit the gym on a daily basis or cook everything from scratch.
The whole listening to your body thing can get tricky when we open up the Shape (healthy fitness?) magazine and see terribly skinny models…reading the paper in their underwear or something. Or see yet another blog post about “don’t eat this” or “that is poisoning your body.” Balance balance balance.
Great post. I’m really glad you shared it!!
Amanda @ Diary of a Semi-Health Nut recently posted..{Thursday Thoughts} Your Problems, My Problems
Yikes long comment lol.
Amanda @ Diary of a Semi-Health Nut recently posted..{Thursday Thoughts} Your Problems, My Problems
Seriously! I think I’m going to take a break from reading blogs for a while, or at least from reading all of them (there are people I like IRL but their blog posts trigger things like this).
Calee recently posted..Flashback Friday: My abs. 2007.
AMEN!! I love your approach and your balance! No one should avoid anything unless they have an allergy or intolerance. You are a breath of fresh air! I’m go glad you posted this. I think we all get too tied up into what’s healthy and what’s not. I think you are gorgeous inside and out! Can’t wait to see you!!
Brittany @ Delights and Delectables recently posted..MIMM: The Weekender
I don’t think this is depressing at all. I actually find it super inspiring. I’m going through ending my own mental calorie counting addiction now, and it is not easy, but I’ve already started noticing that I put less stress on how far I run, how long I work out, and getting more enjoyment out of food…There is a picture of me with a giant turkey leg in my hand, and I am taking a giant bite out of it. It was from Austin, and I have on my favorite jeans of all time, which, to be honest, are a little too big for me now. I look at that sometimes and think, “Where did that girl go?” She went vegan, I guess. I don’t know. I’m just trying to get back to that place of where it DOESN’T MATTER.
I’ll stop now. Before I write a whole blog post in your comment box.
Sarah @ The Smart Kitchen recently posted..(Almost) Instant Apple Chips
You should write that post. seriously. I think it would be helpful! and i so get what you’re saying. also, putting stress on length of runs can lead to injury. case in point … me.